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Importance of Life

You know how when you’re little and your mother yells at you, the only person who can make you feel better is your mother? So right after she makes you feel like garbage, you’re cuddling up with her as she wipes away your tears? Parenting is a total stockholm syndrome situation most of the time. No wonder half of us are nut jobs.

I’m kinda in the same boat these days. I want my parents to comfort me over the loss of my parents. I am so sad that my mother is gone and I’m sure only my mother would understand how sad I am. I want my father to know that I am feeling so fatherless. I feel like crying in the laps of my parents that their three wonderful children who they raised with so much love and care have lost both their parents, can they believe it?!

So, in case you were wondering how I’m doing, it’s all jumbled up and nonsensical in my head right now. This sometimes makes my higher self, the one who is perpetually observing me with a slightly raised eyebrow, smack her head. It doesn’t work like that Hiba, is what she seems to be saying. Come on, you know better than that. This “you know better than that” refrain seems to come up often too as my emotional self and spiritual self keep locking horns. My emotional self insists on wanting my parents back with me. My spiritual self reminds me THEY are in the better place, I am the one in the rubbish world. My emotional self is still stupefied, did this really happen to me, to us?? My spiritual self sighs that there is no discriminatory evaluation before hardship strikes.

The turn of the year has been tricky. It feels like a whole lifetime of loneliness is stretching before me right now. I understand what it means to “take it one day at a time”. If I think all of 2019 needs to be lived without my parents, I feel like I am drowning, suffocating. If I tell myself that its just this day, this next 24 hours that I won’t see my mom and dad, I’m more okay. I make plans to make the next 24 hours super fun and awesome to pass the time quickly.

Fooling myself to make myself feel better. Stockholming myself out of sorrow.

Sounds familiar.